I've once again fallen behind on my self-imposed blogging schedule, and to be honest, pretty much everything else in life. I haven't don't much productive during May and June, and haven't been putting as much effort into work as I could be.
Yes, we've had some stuff going on in our personal lives (more on that later), but I'm sick of making excuses for my crappy behaviour. The truth is often I'm a lazy fuck. I want to do more. I want to put more effort in at work, I want to finish my novel, There's so much I want to do, and yet I allow myself to slack off. I nap too often and instead of focusing on important things, I play video games.
Well, it stops now.
To read more about my renewed motivation, plans for the coming months, and what's been happening in my life for the last few months, click the "read more" link.
Witchcraft and Tarot
I feel like my spirituality is a good place to start, as something that happened recently led to my new mind-set. Recently, I decided I wanted to shake off my apathy/ state of doing nothing and focus more on work/ writing/ life from July onward.
Looking for some guidance, I did a five card tarot spread, asking the energies of the world to show me what's holding me back. What's preventing me from achieving what I want. What's causes my lack of motivation.
The overwhemling answer was: ME.
I need to change. There is no underlying medical reason (though I'm still going to book a check up because my periods are messed up again *sigh* plus it never hurts to have a health check), there's no spiritual reason, or anything else. I'm not going to use the fact I have depression as as excuse.
The bottom line is, I have horrible habits. I stay up too late and then allow myself to nap during the morning, instead of getting into a regular sleeping routine and fighting the tiredness for a few weeks until my body adjusts.
I slack off at work and don't do as much as I should/ could. Instead of focusing on my novel, I spend every evening playing video games. Yes, I know people need time off, and I'm still going to allow myself weekends to relax, but I keep slacking off, and then being unhappy that I'm stuck in a rut and not making any progress. I'm never going to make any progress if I don't push myself.
And that's what the tarot cards made me realise. There is now magical, easy fix. I can't just flip a switch and change my life. I need to focus on what's important, and put effort into things I think are important. So that's what I'm going to do.
One other thing that I also learned, from my Beletene celebrations in May, is that I like witchcraft for the aesthetic as much as I do for the spiritual aspect. I'm still trying to figure out exactly what I believe in and how witchcraft relates to my life, but I think for now it will be a tool/ practice I use to focus myself. Kind of like meditation and yoga. I don't think I'm going to celebrate the Sabbats in a Wiccan way, as I just don't believe in the Wiccan deities, but I am going to decorate for the seasons, because it makes me feel happy. There's this beautiful woman I follow on Instagram, SpookyFatBabe, who identifies as a secular witch, and uses witchcraft as a self-care tool. I think that's the path that appeals to me most right now. I believe in something but not a specific set of deities, more like a force - the energies of the universe. So for now I'm going to focus on the energies of the universe, and how I can harness them to be the best version of myself possible. I'm a strong believer that becoming the best version of yourself in turn allows you to help others, and improve their lives.
Things at CQ are good. Eugene continues to make positive changes (e.g from 2019 onward we're only publishing one title per month, to allow us to put maximum effort into production and marketing), and I feel like a lot of the issues from the last six months are being resolved. It's certainly a lot calmer and the authors (on the whole) seem happier.
But I do think I need to make more effort. I don't know if it's because of the previous unrest, or because of my weird head space for the last few months, but I haven't been doing as much as I should/ could. I slack off too much, and that needs to stop. Hopefully my renewed motivation for life will flow through into work, and I will start doing more.
Hubby and I have been doing terribly dieting. We'll have a couple of weeks sticking to keto, and then slack off again. Our weight keeps going up and down by about 10 pounds. I'm certain we'll slack off again when we go to Weston, but until then I'm hoping we can stick to it and shed some pounds, and then get back to it in September to lose some more weight before Christmas. I think our diet is another case of bad habits and slacking off. We need to have more willpower, and not slack off because we're had a hard week, or whatever. While eating carbs and sugar is great at the time, when we check the scales and see we've gained weight, that isn't so great. Time to stop slacking and be stricter!
As I mentioned above we've had some difficulties these past few months. Oldest was off from school for a large part of May due to depression cause by bullying. It makes me so sad and angry that someone made my sweet, funny, intelligent boy feel so badly about himself to the extent he was depressed and couldn't go to school. Thankfully, things are improving. We had a meeting with his head of year, who took details of the names, times and incidents of the bullying, and spoke to the students involved. Since then there have been no more incidents, and some of the students have even said they didn't know how badly it was effecting him. Oldest has been back to school for almost a month, and while at school he is seeing a counsellor. While we're still concerned he may have depression that had nothing to do with his school situation (due to genetics/ family history), he seems a lot happier and like his old self again. We're doing all we can to support him and make sure he's okay. Both hubby and I have mental health issues, so we know how tough it is, but we all have each other, so we'll stay strong as a family and get through it.
Holidays* Are Coming
I'm using holiday in the UK sense, which is what US people call a vacation. ;) As I mentioned above, we're hoping to go to Weston Super-mare again this August (though Mom did take me and the boys for a day out there at the beginning of June), and Hubby is working his butt off making sure we have enough money both for a holiday, and to buy the kids uniforms. I can't wait to have a few days away from everything and spend time in the sunshine at the beach. Kyra even mentioned coming up for a couple of days, so we can hang out (as getting to Weston is easier for her than travelling up to Birmingham), which would be awesome because not only have we not seen each other since last October, but she's never met Hubby and the boys, either. I hope we can make it work.
Along with Kyra and Paula, I've podcasted a couple of times over the last few months for I Literary Can't Even. In May we discussed the Cocky-gate situation, and in June we talked about the TV Show Thirteen Reasons Why.
The plan now is to take a hiatus for the summer, and get back to it with a regular schedule and planned out topics from September onward. I'm excited. I really enjoy podcasting, and think the banter and discussions between myself, Kyra and Paula is brilliant. Hopefully with a schedule, and some planned out topics, we can build up the podcast and create something awesome together.
That's All Folks
I think that's everything from the last couple of months, and anything that's not coming to mind can't have been that important. I'll be back at the end of July/ beginning of August with an update on my writing progress, and how I'm getting on not slacking off! If you want more regular updates/ to know what I'm doing between now and my next update, please feel free to follow me on social media. Links to my Facebook, Twitter and Instagram can be found at the bottom of the website, as well as on the "About" section.
Thoughts, feelings and random updates from author Clare Dugmore.